Masai Mara, Kenya
Psalms 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God”
While on safari, well on the way back to Nairobi from Masai Mara, I dropped my phone between the seat of the van. It, of course, landed in a space that I couldn’t reach it. Much of the ride U had been listening to music and sleeping on and off trying to lower my general discomfort. When my phone fell my first thought was, “I hope my screen does not get more messed up.” The second thought was a bit of panic about what I would do to occupy myself.
I am not one of the people that are bugged out by silence of being within my own thoughts for any length of time, yet I was worried. Then I felt the words “be still” begin to resonate within me. I felt God was telling me to just find a quiet space within myself and listen. This is no easy feat even for someone who loves quiet and meditates. I still struggle with finding and maintaining stillness. I have monkey-mind and find it difficult to keep my mind quiet. I also had been kind of avoiding delving into myself and allowing any heart or soul issues to present themselves voluntarily. We are so complex and bury things so deeply that we can forget them temporarily. the Bible says, “Out of the abundance of the heart flows the issues of life.” Because I am so controlled and averse to emotions and my own inner pain, being moved to find inner stillness is terrifying. Yet I knew what was being asked of me was presently important. And I didn’t have much of a choice without my distraction. Thanks, God.
I sat back and felt my body slow down, getting quiet as though my consciousness was receding to center. The peace was absolutely overwhelming causing a melange of feelings that I do not have an accurate description for. I felt God at that moment, in that peace and just stayed there feeling that for a while. There was a sort of comfort in myself, in my body that was foreign to me. This was the issue that was also presenting myself: I have a problem being at ease in my own being. My deep-rooted issues with loving who I am and conducting myself as if I am a problem. I do not know how long I pondered on it or sifted for roots to the issue; I definitely have not fixed the issue but I have glimpsed what a home in oneself can feel like and how I was to be. But this lesson is not about that.
The nugget here is that accessing when you access deep memories, descending to your center, and finding stillness is not part of our society. Allowing yourself to become that vulnerable is not praised but it is cathartic. I felt God in that moment pushing me closer to the type of wholeness I continue to work toward. The layers that must be peeled back are daunting but reveal that were are so encoded with memory and complexity that one method is not enough. Prayer, therapy, meditation, church, affirmations, support communities are not enough on their own. At some point, we must confront the monsters within us and see that they are not as big as we make them. With these resources, we can conquer our issues; we can unpack our shit and leave the baggage on the curb so that we can move forward, faster.
Love and Light,