Psalms 61:1-2: 1Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. 2From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For the last few months I have been struggling with my relationship with God and trying to be less stressed. My goal is achieving wholeness and growing myself into the best persona that I can be. This has been no easy task as I continue to work through anxiety and depression, as well as an astronomical stress level. However, I think today I may be having a moment of clarity.
I just finished a free write working through how it felt to be in a precarious position with my blog. It has caused me to have a bit of an existential crisis, wondering about whether I am in place. Let me be perfectly transparent: I am always worried about being in place to fulfill my destiny. I believe that there are things that everyone is called to, whether you believe it is of God, the Universe, or biological hardwiring. For me it is God. I have been feeling really lost in the sauce about what I should be doing in life, what the next moves are, and whether I am going the right way to get to where I want to go. I pray about being led in the right direction and making sound, wise decisions daily. Y’all, I spend so much time in thought about this thang, but I have felt like I am in the dark. Not hearing anything is anxiety inducing. I also tend to think that adversity is a direct judgment on me and not an opportunity to test my readiness for what I am out here busting mon arse for.
With this particular incident, I talked to my mom and bestie about it. I also did what any introvert writer would do: I put my issues on paper. I have been praying about it. In what I believe to be a moment of clarity, I had this thought: What if the stakes have changed? Meaning what if all that I have been experiencing, and putting time and energy into is meant to turn me toward the answer that I have been seeking? This is no easy thing to digest, because in my case it may suggest that what I see as a hobby may actually grow larger than I imagine. So what do you do friends, when your hand is transforming before your eyes?
First you pause and take it in. Because the reality is that we never have all of the details that we need to make moves. Many times we are forced to take what we have and just walk with it, bracing ourselves for the difficulties that will shape us into who we must become in order to achieve what we are called to. When you are pursing facets of your destiny, preparation is key. In order to be a lawyer, you have to get a law degree and pass the bar. These things we know. What we don’t know is what moves your will have to make, the skills we have to garner, the mental and emotional strain that it takes, or how many hundred and thousands of hours of study that will be required of us in order to make that happen. Whatever end that we are moving toward is going to require a lot of experiences and situations that we are not able to plan for.
Inevitably, what we agree to on the path to whatever end goal we are working toward is ours to pursue. This pursuit will force us to change. We will refine into better, more skilled, more mature versions of ourselves. It may take longer that we expect. It may end up being a quick turn around. More importantly life will confront you and ask: If the conditions turn, will you continue or will you back down? For me, this was the moment when I really had to examine myself and hear God speaking to me, answering the question I’d been asking.
When you examine yourself the negative monologue may start pushing you to say, “No, maybe this is not my lane.” Friends, this was me as I began to write. I assumed that maybe I was not where I should be; perhaps I should not be writing and sharing my life in this way. But the record scratched on that voice and the possibilities rose up, “Will you shrink when you are supposed to shine?” The Bible says in Jeremiah 1:8, “Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord.” This is a powerful reassurance that if you have that nagging feeling that stopping is not an option for you, you must press on. At the point where you are confronted in ways that test your perseverance, you are likely moving on track. This is also where the stakes are becoming more serious. You have to persevere, peeps, the gift that you offer the world is much more important than that adversity or that fear you face.